The Drinker’s World Cup Survival Guide

Hurray! Another World Cup! They’re only every four years and we’ve got a whole 14 days to enjoy (based on the hypothesis that we will draw our first game, win the second, and get battered by Belgium in the third, Tunisia having beaten both Panama and, against the run of play sneaked a win against Belgium, leaving us third in the group and out of the competition).*

Old stick-in-the-muds will have you believe that nobody goes to the pub anymore, preferring to drive their Dacia Sandero to Aldi and pick up a selection of their reasonably priced English ales for an evening in front of the 70″ plasma. Well fie on them! I say the pubs will be packed with joyful (for 13 days) England supporters and that every sport-free Spoons in the country will see a profits crash which will send Timbo straight to the tattoo parlour to have the EU flag emblazoned on his head lest he go to the poor house. You mark my words.

Let’s talk strategy.

TV

Location

You may have your local pub, but it’s always wise to have a backup in case of electrical failure, floods, or other catastrophies. At the last World Cup I went to a giant warehouse type venue to watch the first England game on a screen the size of the moon. Twenty minutes in there was a technical failure leaving a blue screen of death and the nearest pub was twenty five minutes walk away.

If you live in one of these backwaters with only one pub you might have to prepare to be the hero who yells “Everyone to my house!” So just check the state of the place before you leave – we’ve all done a hurried clean up when we realise we’ve been in the middle of our Harry Styles scrapbooking. We all have.

Seating

An hour before kick-off is never enough time to secure a seat and you damn well know it. Some people will have been there since opening to make sure they had a spot, and if you’re not willing to do that, or fear that you’ll be hammered and gibbering by the time a ball is kicked, it’s time to go poaching. Here are some ways to spot who might be hoarding a plum seat but will dart off like a frightened rabbit as soon as football comes on. Check for two or more of the following;

Spectacles

A cotton bag for life advertising a book festival

Slacks

A gin glass

Socks on show

Copy of the Guardian

Looks a bit like Alan Bennett

Keep close to them and pounce at the opportune time. You might even be bold and ask can you simply place your glass on their table because of the overcrowding. This is like placing a flag, it’s meaningless in a court of law but no-one will dare to contravene your territory.

800px-Alan_Bennett_Allan_Warren
Allan Warren photographed this one in the wild

Bar times

30 minutes before kick-off – get two drinks

At 38 minutes, get two drinks (studies** have shown that most people will attempt to avoid the half time rush at 40 minutes, by which time you’re already at the bar like a genius).

If you need a further drink before 90 minutes, or if there may be significant extra time because Gary Cahill has straight up murdered someone, the time to go is on 67 minutes when statistically a goal is unlikely to be scored.

meta-chart
Choose wisely

Toilet breaks

In the 2014 World Cup 56 goals were scored in the first half versus 83 in the second, with 15 scored after extra time. (This does not include Germany’s drubbing of Brazil, which I have marked as an outlier). This means that by the time your bladder is calling you’re very likely to miss a goal.

In the second half, discounting extra time, the best time to go is in the window between 55 minutes and 63 minutes. There is another brief recess between 76 and 80 but do NOT leave the room in the 80th – 89th minute. Football players are simple creatures and they always seem to realise at this point that the game is about to end, and go on a scoring spree. Minutes to avoid, when statistically the most goals were scored, are 17, 48, 82 and 91.

Do not take this decision lightly. During a gathering for the 1996 Euros my friend Dave left the room to go to the toilet in minute 51 and England immediately scored their second goal. He ran back in on hearing our yells but was still bursting so left again in the 57th minute, and subsequently England scored a third time. Once more he returned to the room, only to run off desperately in the 62nd minute, when England scored their third. At this point we realised that if we scored one more goal Scotland would qualify over Norway and so Dave was not allowed back into the room until final whistle and had to watch through a crack in the door.

Apparel

This might seem straight forward if you are a multi-millionaire and have therefore bought an Official England shirt but never forget that post-match you may have to walk home looking like a div if you have plastered yourself in patriotic facepaint. There’s nothing sadder than a follower of a team who have been knocked out of a tournament wandering forlornly back home with tear tracks in his clown make-up.

If your national team has not made it to the finals just be aware that your amusing ‘Anyone But England’ shirt might be tolerated by your mates and other regulars, but you are at serious risk from roaming fans whose own local might have thrown them out for being too mental. Prepare a back up shirt which says “Let’s all be friends” on it. This is what I’ll be wearing, you can buy it from Chris (Simpsons Artist) here.

red_top_for_on_my_shop
Come on Squad!

 

*Some may think this is a foolish prediction to make and that I’ll be red faced should we go further in the competition, let me tell you that I will be very pleased to be rolled out on one of those low budget Channel 5 talking head documentaries like Michael Fish saying he was sure there wasn’t going to be a hurricane.

**There were no studies

5 Comments Add yours

  1. Professor Pie-tin says:

    I shall watch it,as the only Englishman, in my local boozer in Ireland where Anyone But England is the only team the locals support.
    Of course I shall remind them of their traditional non-qualification,the fact that their most successful manager ever was English (Jack Charlton),that asking to be the 33rd Team at the South African World Cup after they missed qualification thanks to the Hand of Frog ( Henry ) made them an international laughing stock and enquiring of the chap shouting at the screen that Harry Kane is an English c**t if his regular Kane Spurs top that he normally wears for TV games is at the dry-cleaners .
    I might even draw attention to the fact that Guinness is a fine British-owned drink and that at a time when the sun never set on the British Empire they were still keeping donkeys in their front room.
    It usually gets quite tasty at this point.
    Especially if we get out of the group stages.

    Like

  2. Russtovich says:

    Nice write-up luv (although I still think your “Why Ladies Drink Beer” post is your best. 🙂

    Although I’m first generation Canadian me Mum is from Kent and me Da is from London, so I follow England every four years. 🙂

    Of course my part time job has me working out of town on Monday (the first time this month!) so I’ll have to miss at least the first game. And my darling wife has just informed me that my ‘local’ pub/bar has been closed indefinitely due to food poisoning!

    So I’ll think I’ll have to enjoy England’s progress vicariously through various Brit blogs as it were (sigh).

    Cheers

    PS – “I might even draw attention to the fact that Guinness is a fine British-owned drink ”

    Blimey. And here was me thinking Diageo was headquartered in Brazil for some reason! (blush)

    Like

  3. Karen says:

    I was in a pub on Saturday which had no TV and at least 15 people in (maybe average for half one on a Saturday), by 2pm (kick off) there was only me and a couple with a baby left!

    Like

  4. kirstwalker says:

    And rightly so. You can still be hanged for treason in this country you know

    Like

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

Connecting to %s