The debate about sexist imagery on pump clips rages, (and I’ve had a go myself at the bottom of this article). The vast majority of breweries, when confronted, will explain patiently that it’s just a bit of a laugh, just a saucy picture to make the beer look more attractive to men who couldn’t possibly access images of scantily dressed women anywhere else. But the weirdness doesn’t stop at the pump clip – over on Untappd the beer descriptions are also starting to read like bad erotica, I’ve gathered some of the oddest ones for you to peruse.
Dirty Blonde – Atwater Brewery, USA
“From mild to wild this one’s the perfect companion for whatever you’re up for. Crisp wheat smoothness gives way to a touch of coriander snap and a kiss of sweet orange peel perk that lingers on your lips. With a beautiful cloudy golden hue and ample head this one makes you love her more with every pour.”
While lesser breweries may use innuendo and Carry On style bawdiness to push the shittest of their beers, Atwater need none of this subtlety – they just write like they want to literally fuck a pint of beer. Their extended metaphor stops working at the start of the second sentence, where they are forced to mention wheat. By the time they hit sentence three, they have a good go at including adjectives which could reasonably be used to describe both a human woman and a beer, but then they ruin it. The anthropomorphised beer-woman is beautiful, and golden, and ‘cloudy’. As bizarre as feminine beauty standards can be , I have yet to see a copy of Grazia which offers ’25 Make-Up Tips To Stop You Looking Cloudy!’ Conclusion – the person who wrote this just really, really wants to fuck a pint of beer. Wonder what the lacing would look like…
Naughty Girl Stout – Right Brain Brewing, USA
Sometimes, sexualising your beer isn’t enough, you also need to add a touch of pedophilia. Right Brain push the grubby, shit-stained envelope by using the image of the Girl Scout in their cookie flavoured beer. Girl Scouts are generally between 5 and 16 years old, but this doesn’t stop Right Brain depicting one in a crop top and a miniskirt. They describe it as ‘sensual’ and ‘full bodied’, just the sort of words you might associate with an adolescent girl who enjoys camping, if you were on a register somewhere.
Liquid Thigh Relaxant – Moon Tower Sudworks
When you’re looking for a needlessly sexualised beer name, it’s important not to forget the role of alcohol in sexual assault. There is so much potential in the semantic field of sexuality to get a bit rapey with your beer name. And just in case this name was too subtle, and didn’t immediately make you think of co-erced sex, they make sure to add to the beer description that it is ‘sneakily strong’. A fruit flavoured drink which is deceptively strong? Better also mention that it is ‘fruity, yet dry’. Classy.
Full Brazilian – Wychwood
After Christmas ales, football tournament tie-ins have easily the worst names of any beer on the market. The problem with Brazil is that there are so few football references you could make about it – they’re not really a footballing nation. So once Wychwood had exhausted themselves with describing this as a ‘goal-den’ ale with Target and First Gold for an exciting ‘match’, it had to resort to conjuring up the image of a hairless vagina. “You’ll wax lyrical about the dominant El Dorado hop finish of exotic fruit flavours. There won’t be any left behind!” Hilarious! Wax! Oh man, imagine a woman ordering this! “Hello barman, I’ll have a Full Brazilian please.” “I bet you will, love!” HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA….HA……..HA……..HA………….HA.
Now I know that men can also suffer sexism, but after searching all over Untappd and calling for help on my twitter, I still couldn’t find a good example of a beer which had the Holy Trinity of an awful name, a dodgy pump clip, and a sexist beer description. The closest I got were a few beers which implied that you were not a ‘real man’ if you drank a low ABV beer. The worst of them was “Sissy Sack”, a lower ABV variant of Citrus Sack from Excalibur Brewing in Texas, which claims it is “for all those that end up in closets, lawns, toilets and random places but still love a good bitter sack full off citrus”. Lightweights and Gentlemen, a strangely passive aggressive 3.2% session ale from Irwell Works Brewery in Ramsbottom is in a similar vein (thanks @mattbradbury1).
Undeterred by the lack of balance in rampant sexism, I have developed my own imaginary sexist ale.
Fly Loosener – 4.5% Pale
A smooth, exotic pale which couples musky and spicy hops to produce an ale which will last longer than a few minutes. Goes down easy and leaves you wanting more.